THE UNIVERSE WON’T MIND

[Intro: jaunty piano]

[Spoken]
Ladies and gentlemen…

I have terrible news.

[Pause]

None of us are getting out of this alive.

[Bright brass hit]

So shall we dance?

[Verse 1: bouncing piano and bass]

I spent a Tuesday worrying
About a Thursday afternoon
I made a list of future catastrophes
And alphabetized them by noon

I checked the mirror for significance
I checked my pulse for fate
Then missed the bus while wondering
If existence could be late

[Backing Vocals]
Tick-tock!
Think-think!
Very impressive!

[Lead]
I had the weight of all creation
Balanced neatly on my head

Then a pigeon stole my sandwich

[Pause]

And the universe continued anyway

[Pre-Chorus]

So loosen up the necktie
Kick the prophecy downstairs
Half the things you’re frightened of
Haven’t even happened anywhere

And if tomorrow brings disaster

[Backing Vocal]
What then?

[Lead]
We’ll complain about it when it’s there

[Chorus: huge singalong]

DON’T TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY
THE UNIVERSE WON’T MIND

You’re a temporary miracle
With extraordinarily limited time

Dance badly in the kitchen
Wear the trousers you adore

Nobody at the end will say

[Backing Choir]
“HE SHOULD HAVE WORRIED MORE!”

[Lead]
Laugh too loudly
Love too much
Order something strange tonight

Don’t take it so seriously

[Choir]
You’ll never get out alive!

[Verse 2: guitar joins, playful groove]

There was a banker at the seaside
Trying to optimize the sand
He had quarterly projections
And a clipboard in his hand

He shouted at the ocean
“You’re exceeding our forecast!”

The ocean gave no comment

[Splash sound]

And removed his shoes quite fast

[Backing Vocals]
Terrible management!
No respect for shareholders!

[Lead]
Meanwhile children built a kingdom
That survived eleven minutes

And they seemed considerably happier
Than the gentleman who audited it

[Pre-Chorus]

You can measure every heartbeat
You can schedule every kiss
But life has an amusing habit
Of refusing spreadsheets like this

[Music stop]

[Lead]
There will always be a typo

[Backing Vocal]
Somewhere.

[Lead]
In the grand synopsis

[Chorus]

DON’T TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY
THE UNIVERSE WON’T MIND

You’re a temporary miracle
With extraordinarily limited time

Sing loudly in the shower
Take the scenic route once more

Nobody at the end will say

[Choir]
“HE SHOULD HAVE WORRIED MORE!”

[Lead]
Lose the argument
Keep the friend
Let the stupid joke survive

Don’t take it so seriously

[Choir]
You’ll never get out alive!

[Instrumental Break: absurdly cheerful saxophone solo]

[Backing Vocals]
Ba-da-ba!
Ba-da-ba!
Existential crisis!

[Saxophone flourish]

[Spoken]
Very tasteful.

[Bridge: music becomes dreamy, slower]

One day your name will be a story
One day your house belongs to rain
One day all your grand embarrassments
Will inconvenience no one again

The stars will never mention
That you stumbled through a speech

Mars won’t file a memorandum
Because you wore two different socks last week

[String swell]

So perhaps the great objective
Is considerably less grand

Maybe life is mostly learning
When to hold…

And when to let go of the plan

[Drums build]

[Lead]
And occasionally—

[Choir]
Order dessert!

[Final Chorus: key change]

DON’T TAKE IT SO SERIOUSLY
THE UNIVERSE WON’T MIND

You’re a glorious little accident
On borrowed cosmic time

Call your mother
Kiss your lover
Take your shoes off on the floor

Nobody at the end will say

[Massive Choir]
“THEY SHOULD HAVE WORRIED MORE!”

[Lead]
Make mistakes
Change your mind
Take the long way when you drive

Don’t take it so seriously

You’ll never get out—

[Music cuts]

[Spoken]
Well…

Technically.

[Full band explosion]

[Choir]
ALIVE!

[Outro: piano and handclaps]

[Lead]
The planets keep on spinning

[Backing Vocals]
Spin, spin, spin!

[Lead]
Whether you’re prepared or not

You get one astonishing ticket

So enjoy the bloody plot

[Slowing piano]

And when you catch yourself believing
Every problem is divine

Just remember—

[Whispered Choir]
The universe won’t mind.

[Final piano flourish]

[Spoken]
Dessert?

[End]